ECHO Malibu's Carol Nalin presenting the behavior window during a PET class

Parent Effectiveness Training Gives ECHO Parents New Hope

When there’s a teenager in the house, the home environment can become a virtual war zone. Parents do everything they can to support their child and establish appropriate rules and boundaries, but give up when their attempts repeatedly fail. Teenagers who don’t feel heard or understood then become angry or withdrawn, and may even turn to negative peers groups, drugs and alcohol, and other troubling behaviors to get their needs met. Like their parents, they have given up, deciding it’s just not possible to have a healthy, mutually beneficial relationship.

But life with a teenager doesn’t have to be riddled with conflict. Parenting is one of the most difficult jobs, yet comes with the least amount of training. That’s where parent effectiveness training comes in. According to Carol Nalin, who has provided this type of training to families in crisis for more than 15 years, with guidance and practice, parents and teens can learn more effective communication skills and truly begin to relate to and understand one another.

What Is Parent Effectiveness Training?

Parent effectiveness training was one of the first parenting classes ever created. Since its conception in 1962 by award-winning psychologist and three-time Nobel Peace Prize Nominee Dr. Thomas Gordon, the program has been utilized by thousands of families struggling with parent-child conflict.

The message of parent effectiveness training is that parents and teens can learn to work with each other instead of against each other, resulting in less anger, fewer power struggles, more problem-solving and personal responsibility, and greater willingness to comply with the rules. Parents learn to listen to their teen so she feels genuinely cared for and understood, and to speak in a way that encourages the teen to listen. In short, parent effectiveness training is one way to bring peace back into your household.

Dr. Gordon’s approach to parenting involves a few central components. One is active listening, which is the parent’s ability to reflect back in her own words the opinions and emotions of the child. The goal is to help the adolescent understand his own problems and devise his own solutions.

Another component of parent effectiveness training is using “I” messages to convey needs, feelings, beliefs, ideas, and reactions. When faced with conflict, parents are taught to use these messages to describe how the teen’s behavior makes them feel in an honest, but non-judgmental way. For example, “I feel discouraged when you speak to me in a negative tone,” or “I appreciate all of your help with dinner tonight,” or “I’d like to hear your plans for tonight so we can work out the details ahead of time.” These types of messages prevent conflict by allowing parents to clearly describe their feelings and needs without attacking the other person, thus strengthening family relationships.

Parent effectiveness training also teaches that conflicts can be resolved without either party, parent or teen, “losing.” The goal is to find democratic solutions that are agreeable to all parties involved by inviting the teen to take part in the decision-making process. Adolescents tend to be more motivated to comply with rules and decisions that they helped design.

The “Behavior Window” is another concept Dr. Gordon developed for determining who owns the problem when a conflict arises. Parents use this window to decide which skill to use, depending on whose problem it is. For example, if a behavior is acceptable to the parent but not the child, the problem is with the child and the appropriate conflict resolution method is active listening. If the behavior is unacceptable to the parent, the parent is directed to use “I” messages to communicate her needs.

Establishing Openness and Improving Communication

For years, Carol Nalin has provided parent effectiveness training to families of teens with substance abuse problems at Echo Malibu, a residential drug rehab program for teens in Malibu, California. She provides parents with Dr. Gordon’s famous book as well as handouts she created highlighting the most important lessons for parents and teens. The message of Carol’s weekly trainings, which can be conducted in person or by phone, is not that parents are “doing something wrong” but that they can find ways to replace the things that aren’t working for the family.

Parent effectiveness training teaches that communicating with a teen can be a win-win situation if both sides learn to listen. “I love this way of communicating,” Carol says. “It’s a way for parents to get their needs met without sacrificing anyone else’s needs in the process. When these tools are put to use, parents are able to approach their teenagers in a way that opens communication rather than closing it down.”

Carol also spends time each week counseling the teens at the Echo Malibu adolescent substance abuse treatment center. Just as parents don’t have an instruction manual for parenting, she explains, teens are never taught how to communicate effectively. “With the techniques we teach at Echo, teens no longer have to stuff their feelings or vent frustrations through drug or alcohol abuse – they can approach mom and dad with more openness and honesty, and without fear that anyone will become defensive.”

Making Mistakes, Finding Solutions

One of the most valuable lessons Carol shares with parents of struggling teens is the importance of letting their teen learn from her own mistakes, so long as the risk is not dangerous or life-threatening. Many so-called “helicopter parents” want to rescue their child from hardship or discomfort, but according to Carol, this sends the message that the teen isn’t capable of handling the issue, or that the parent can handle it better. As a result, the adolescent walks away feeling bad about himself and skeptical of his own abilities.

Parent effectiveness training teaches that healthy development requires teens to accept more responsibility for their choices and behaviors, and encourages parents to let their children make mistakes and come up with their own solutions. “Because parents love and want the best for their kids, they tend to want to fix everything for their child,” Carol observes. “But it’s hard to learn to navigate successfully through life if you have someone doing all of the work for you.”

Adolescence is a time when teens need to begin breaking away from their parents and developing the skills that will lead them successfully into adulthood. By making and learning from one’s own mistakes, a teen learns essential problem-solving skills, develops self-confidence, and discovers how to make intelligent choices for himself.

“An adolescent who doesn’t know how to make healthy choices is more likely to just go along with what their peer group is doing,” notes Carol. “There is no question that teens, wherever they live and whoever they’re around, will be exposed to drugs and alcohol. They need strong values and good decision-making skills that will help them make the right choice.”

When teens leave Echo Malibu, many return to their home environment and home school, which means they may be exposed to the same negative peer influences and temptations that led them to seek drug treatment in the first place. The skills they learn at Echo Malibu prepare them to face these challenges and let go of friends and lifestyles that are not supportive of their sobriety.

Addiction Is a Family Disease

Teens who aren’t shut down emotionally are far more likely to stay sober, says Carol. And when they begin to see changes in their parents, who they thought would never change, they start believing their relationships really can be better. But in order to be effective, the entire family has to be involved in counseling.

“Addiction is a family issue,” Carol states. “If the family dynamic doesn’t change, the teen is more likely to relapse. Conversely, if the family dynamic does change and the teen feels safe to communicate, we are able to get at the reasons underlying the drug abuse and work toward resolving the issues.”

As a testament to the close bonds Carol develops with the parents and teens at Echo Malibu, many of the families stay in touch even after the teens complete formal drug treatment. On a typical day, it wouldn’t be unusual for Carol to hear from families she counseled four or five years ago who have a question or have run into a communication snag with their teen.

Carol says, “Results like that are what makes me want to keep doing this after 30 years.”

ECHO featured on CURRENT TV

ECHO MALIBU was recently featured on CURRENT TV. The episode focused on the role of an Interventionist and specifically on Interventionist Stasie Kardashian. ECHO's Executive Director, Dr. Jeffrey Nalin was featured in the piece as well and stated the following regarding the experience: "We were really delighted to be invited to participate in this project. We are frequently asked by the family members of prospective clients what the role of an interventionist is and I think CURRENT TV did an excellent job answering that very question" He went on to state "It was also especially nice to be invited to be part of a story that focused on the work being done by Stasie Kardashian. She and her team at Lifeline Interventions have been so helpful to so many of the families we have served at ECHO over the years."

This piece can be seen in it's entirety at the following link:
http://current.com/items/88896381_the-interventionist.htm

Insight oriented therapy favored modality at ECHO

 “Know thy self” is an ancient Greek aphorism that has been used since the days of Socrates, but applies equally to modern life. The more you know yourself, the happier you will be – this is a basic tenet of insight-oriented therapy, which has helped thousands of adults and adolescents overcome problems like substance abuse, trauma, depression, and other psychological and behavioral issues.

Insight-oriented therapy, or insight therapy, encourages people to break free from old habits and behavior patterns by looking inward and assessing one’s own emotions, motivations, and self-talk. Through enhanced self-awareness, patients are better equipped to challenge negative thoughts and work through difficult emotions in healthy ways.

An Insightful Approach to Teen Addiction

At no time could understanding oneself be more important than during adolescence, when young people are first establishing their identity. This is no easy task – at the same time they’re learning who they are as individuals, they must find a way to fit in with friends, peers, and family.

If adolescents realize they can proactively create whatever they want in their lives, the transition into adolescence will be smooth, says Jeff Nalin, Psy.D., co-founder and executive director of Echo Malibu, a residential drug rehab program for adolescents in Malibu, California. But if they lack confidence and support, they will be more susceptible to other people’s judgments and will be reactive, trying to fit in anywhere they can.

In other words, says Dr. Nalin, “Youth function best when they aren’t working from a place of fear. When they’re scared, they make bad decisions and end up in a place where they’re not being themselves.”

Historically, adolescent substance abuse treatment programs have focused on behavior modification, seeking to reduce negative behaviors rather than treating the underlying issues. In recent years, there has been a shift toward inquiring more deeply into what the negative behaviors point to.

“When you’re dealing with chemical dependency in teens, there are usually dual diagnosis issues,” says Dr. Nalin. “The substance abuse is often a symptom of a deeper issue like depression, anxiety, or trauma.”

Dr. Nalin, who has worked with struggling youth throughout his career, has observed teens in various rehab programs complying with treatment and telling the therapists what they want to hear, but returning to their old behavior patterns just a few weeks after going home. “They were holding their breath for weeks rather than dealing with the real issues,” Dr. Nalin notes.

Echo Malibu is unique in its approach to teen substance abuse treatment, which may explain its impressive success rates. The staff seeks to genuinely understand the adolescents’ world, meet them where they are, and accept them for who they are without any pretense. Because the environment is open and accepting, teens begin to buy into the program and then they start buying into themselves, says Dr. Nalin.

“We don’t want our clients to come here and behave. We want them to be themselves,” he says. “We don’t coerce or scare teens into behaving because we want to see what’s really going on. In this way, we are an ideal match – teens want to be heard and we want to listen.”

Writing Their Own Story: The Shift from Reactive to Proactive

Insight-oriented therapy permeates every aspect of substance abuse treatment at Echo Malibu. Among other approaches, the staff at Echo Malibu uses depth psychology and narrative work to help teens address the issues underlying their substance abuse.

“The teens at Echo are involved in their treatment in the truest sense of the word,” explains Dr. Nalin. “We are upfront with our clients about what we’re trying to do. They know we want to build trust and a sense of competence in them, and we are clear about our intent from day one.”

On an ongoing basis, the staff works with each adolescent to gain insight into themselves and how they fit into their family system in an effort to help them improve their lives. “They have all the answers they need inside themselves,” says Dr. Nalin. “They just need a safe place to start to openly explore who they are.”

As part of its therapeutic approach, Echo Malibu asks clients to take a close look at the story they’re telling themselves about who they are.  “So many teens think they’re stupid, ugly, or fat and outcast themselves in some way. Some of these views are self-created, some are thrust upon them by others, and some have been adopted as survival mechanisms to fit in with a specific group of peers.”

For most teens, it’s a relief to learn they are not defined by their self-limiting beliefs and that those beliefs can be altered. The staff at Echo Malibu helps each teen understand the developmental stage he is in and how his experience of life will change over time. Once teens understand that their story isn’t finished, they begin to shift from reactive (acting out) to proactive (writing a new life story for themselves).

In the Echo Malibu model, the “e” in “Echo” stands for empowerment. When teens feel empowered, they are better able to deal with drug cravings and triggers to use at home and change any negative patterns with the significant people in their lives. Because they will inevitably be faced with drugs, parties, and old friends and lifestyles when they go home, adequate preparation is essential.

“When young people feel empowered, they act out less because there is nothing to act out against,” explains Dr. Nalin. “They feel in control and confident about who they are – both characteristics that support long-term sobriety.”

Families Benefit from Added Insight

Insight-oriented therapy is effective not only with teens, but also their parents. Family relationships are a focal point at Echo Malibu, where therapists work with parents and teens to understand their place in the family system, how those roles are working, and which patterns should be modified.

It is rare that substance abuse treatment is exclusively about “fixing” the adolescent. More commonly, there is dysfunction in the family system that must be addressed for change to translate to the home environment. Through insight-oriented family therapy, parents and teens start to appreciate each other’s strengths and challenges rather than blaming one another for the discord at home.

Figuring out what’s happening in the family is an important aspect of adolescent treatment. “Some teens act out because they have no power or have internalized the emotional drama of the family. Others have assumed all of the power and are running the household,” notes Dr. Nalin. “In both cases, we work with families on drawing boundaries, providing emotional support, and improving communication by using insight and understanding the underlying processes at work in the family.”

A Better Way to Live

Effective treatment for teen substance abuse requires more than addressing the drug or alcohol abuse itself. One of the primary goals of treatment also has to be learning how to live better. Although other therapeutic approaches are helpful to address risky behaviors and help teens avoid negative peers, therapies aimed at shifting internal belief systems set a firm foundation for long-term change.

Teens who abuse drugs or alcohol often have negative world views, constantly reminding themselves that “life is hard” and “the world is bad.” “I’ve never met a happy, well-adjusted person that needed to numb themselves with drugs and alcohol,” says Dr. Nalin. “Our goal is to teach teens how to maneuver through life better by checking in with themselves and asking for the support they need. Eventually, they find that they are in control of their lives and don’t need drugs or alcohol to feel good.”

When recovery is based on genuine internal change, you see significant, life-shifting moments, says Dr. Nalin. “That’s why it’s nice to work with young people – if they change their trajectory even a little bit, you will see a dramatic change later on.”